Pint Pundit Pillows

'I know you live a life of quiet desperation -- you never shut up about it!'

'Increase your beer volume sales by filling the glasses up.'

'Let's face it Sid. In this pub a 'Happy Hour' is one without a punch up...'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Pie chart"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'Oi! '

'My first drink since my accident.'

'You drink like a fish.'

Literary Dogs.

'Over the years our company has acquired a face of its own.'

'Well,here's the answer to why your car has been running so rough in the mornings Mr.Tait...It's pregnant!'

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

"I swear, Eddie, you ought to be on with Bill Moyers."

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

"You know all the best pubs for lunch, Seamus."

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""