Pension Pundit Gifts

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

Robert Maxwell

Mismanagement Consultant.

"No, Mr. Phelps, I have no idea where your pension went."

"We explained to the Minister that pension management fees were incredibly complex..."

'Her pension fund must of collapsed like ours did.'

"Just before the election there's a feeling that we need to roll back on the 'triple lock' and and guarantee a little less..."

"It's ridiculous to claim that we've been rewarding investment managers foolishly!"

"I know that you've always enoyed your work."

Runaway Bride.

Investing in aged care: 'Buy short memories!'

Social Security, The Movie!

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'You know the economy's in trouble when the Forbes 400 list of wealthiest Americans only has 350 names on it.'

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Stop and Birch

Lemonade - $500 A Glass! 'Yes, my prices high, but how else am I supposed to buy a Boulevart M109R? Certainly not on my allowance.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Right now I'm mostly in cash."

"These are 'small bucks,' Josh. You have to work here a long time to get the 'big bucks'."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'The treasury decided to use bob geldof's speechwriter this year!'

Liquidity Lunch

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Credit Crunch: Breakfast for Losers.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'That's the trouble with theae Chinese stocks -- an hour later you want to invest again.'