Plumage Connoisseur Gifts

'Show-off!'

Reading my Critics

The height of fashion in 1796

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Theatre Crowd

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

"Wow, you look sexy today."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Barbed Pen

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

At Mary Higgins Clark's book club.

"It's too academic."

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Wonder Woman: "Trapped in a Man's World"

Film Critic

'You dance like my mother.'

'... And that's all from this bulletin. But I'll be back with more bad news at six.'

Big deal! If you were smart, you'd have waited for the price of gold to go up. Everyone's a critic.

Now Showing: "Mucky Wucky" Rated Z. That means Roger Ebert slept through it.

"I don't know if I've mentioned this before, Greg, but you are a very attractive man."

"Before I start the test, Ms. Masten....May I say you've never looked lovelier!"

"I know they're expensive, Evelyn, but like the saying goes...If the Jimmy Choos fit, wear them!"

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

Frank Hires a Relationship Coach.

"Your eyes are like limpid pools. Allergies hitting you pretty bad, huh?"

Comment on food.

"A message from your terrible foe in the holy lands - she's pregnant!"

Crazy Ideas

Algernon Swinburne

'So, Bob, we've decided to do some rebranding!'

"The editor who turned down the first Harry Potter book, say hello to the publisher who took a pass on Stephen King."

'I thanked my teacher for teaching me so well, and she fainted.'