Plastic Straw Critic Gifts

"Have you ever used a plastic straw?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"Yeah, he's cute but don't approach him. He's a service human."

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

"I think globally, but I tend to pollute locally."

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"Perhaps I should have warned you...They really don't like wholemeal bread."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

I started my own Youtube channel. What's it about? Well, there are already too many stupid-stunt-and-prank channels, and too many holier-than-thou-independent-news-analysis channels. But get this: There were absolutely zero holier-than-thou-stupid-stunt-and-prank-analysis channels. Probably a reason for that. My first hard-hitting post reveals how the inauthenticity of the "Mario Kart" prank is driving away Millennials.

The old colonel wished he was in the land of cotton.

"You're getting too much fiber."

The Additives Arrive...'This cereal tastes like it has some sodium propionate in it.'

You're not selling those silly upside-down tomato contraptions? I confess. They're fun! Fun? They're an affront to mother nature and common sense. A $3 seed packet grows enough for five families. Why sell over-priced fads? Mother nature never offered to pay my rent.

"You forgot his tail."

"Our house wine is abominable."

"Run! It's Armagluten!"

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

'And in today's health market - coffee is up, fats are mixed, and sugar continues its downward slide.'

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

"Pretty sure that braid came from a crafts store."

'Have you considered having double glacier installed?'

"Rise & shine!" - Product 19

The first six ingredients in this cereal are sugar!

'.....sunnyside down.'

Unfortunately, Michael's 'wine straw' invention never really caught on.

"Well. . . I guess there will be no offspring, but at least I will save on the tuition fees."

Sue Gray Report

"We were hoping for something other than 'Whatever' as answers to our survey questions."

Wine with a straw

'This has no fat, no carbohydrates, no sugar, no ribolflavin... hey this box is empty!'

'How much to just stop?!'

"Compost? I say it's manure, and I say the hell with it!"

Breakfast of champions