Pigsty Philosopher Gifts

"Just don't swallow any. What we're wallowing in is Hi-Density Syntha-Soil Fabricated Mud."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

"Yes, one is a dog."

Cat Reunion

Kid to fellow fisherman: 'Why do they stink like fish when they've been bathing this whole time?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

"Take your first left and then keep turning left until you eventually float to the top."

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"What if Newton came up with a different idea from a fallen apple."

"Dogs are men."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

The Inner Dog.

"I'm your surrogate mother, son. I just provided the oven."

'You're a filthy pig, Gordon! I guess that's why I love you so much.'

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

Ham-Dram

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

Fish Food

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"