Phone Etiquette Aficionado Pillows

'We're here to eat so the first one to pick up their phone pays for the meal...'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

'Oh...the IRS called. Something about an audit. I told them we weren't interested.'

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"Who on earth would call on a landline? How rude!"

"Are you busy or are you at work?"

"Donald, you’re in the C-suite now. No more smiley faces or exclamation points."

'I can't talk... I'm in the quiet carriage.' - '3...2...1...' - 'What? I can't hear you... you're breaking up...' - 'Brace! Brace!' - 'I said 'I'm in the quiet carriage'!!!' - 'Irony crash.'

"Dave's away from his desk, I'm afraid. Can I take a message, or read you his browser history."

First Church: Sunday's Topic - Thou Shalt Not Blog Against Thy Neighbour.'

'Hah, he bowed lower than I did.'

"Hello? is it me you're looking for?"

Trolling on social media

"That time you realized your hashtags were longer than your message. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethingsWrongHere #spiritual-awakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #wontSome-bodyThink-of-The-Children?" "ERROR: You have exceeded the number of characters allowed." "That time you. #irony #wow #epiphany #wakeupCall #lesson #stopthat #omg #thwarted #notgood #somethings-WrongHere #spiritualawakening #myword #ohlawdy #wthigh #seriously? #

"He came out from behind his desk. We got 'em."

"Before you go through the gates of heaven think back to the early days of the internet. Did you ever visit or post anything homophobic, racist or sexist? Tell me now or I will find out."

'On The Face Of It.'

'You're a telemarketer? Good. I've always wanted to telemarketer off!'

Thank you for holding...

"If it's important they'll call back."

"Anderson, Anderson and Andersons - Stephens speaking."

'Should have shook hands...' - 'Should have bowed...' - 'Should have read the keynote...'

"Must you look at your phone when I'm talking to you?"

"He just called without texting first. How can he be 23 and still not know how a phone works?"

'Call back some other time. I'm awfully busy ignoring you.'

Man answers phone in middle of the night annoying his wife.

'Stay for dinner? Are you sure? - We don't want to wear out our welcome.'

"Yes, I’m the person who makes all the long-distance decisions… Are you the person I’m about to hang up on?"

'No. This is orcs. Shipping is extension 419.'