Philosopher Of Life’s Mysteries Gifts

Nothing Good Ahead

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Call me?"

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"It's a beautiful world out there, just waiting to be discovered. Well, discovered by one of you, the rest will almost certainly die."

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

Aging Support Group

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"Death coach..."

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"You're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

'Life passed me by without using a turn signal.'

"I took the road less travelled just to avoid the potholes."

"Some day, son, all these aches and pains will be yours."

Who's Dead

Women

Been there. Done that. (Man stands between two doors.)

"I once experienced childlike wonder. . . but it was just my anti-depressants kicking in."

Tom's last day.

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'