Life's Philosophers Gifts

'Not only did life pass me by, it HIP-CHECKED me!'

'I'm not a guru. I just had the worst divorce settlement in history.'

Thinking Gears

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Call me?"

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

Euripides: 'If we could be twice young and twice old, we could correct all our mistakes.'

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"It's a beautiful world out there, just waiting to be discovered. Well, discovered by one of you, the rest will almost certainly die."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

Arthur Schopenhauer

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Aging Support Group

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

"Death coach..."

"There may be a moral equivalent of war, but, by God, there is not moral equivalent of money."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."