Pharmaceuticals Gifts

"My physician prescribed a customized formulation for me."

Department of Silly Sounding Prescription Medications

"Honey, is Ambergene the name of my cousin's daughter or my sleep medication?"

I won THAT Pulitzer for a drug name.

"It's fine to discover cures, but, remember, chronic conditions are our bread and butter."

"Do a double-blind test. Give the new drug to rich patients and a placebo to the poor. No sense getting their hopes up. They couldn't afford it even if it works."

Marketing Spin

'Human clinical trials start in six months. Sooner if we run out of mice.'

'Our trials show that the new drug performs no better than placebo.'

"It's a major breakthrough. But we're still years away from being able to justify the outrageous cost per pill."

"This will buy you four months.

'Half the diabetics were given the new drug and responded well. The other half got a placebo and went into shock.'

"So I guess this probably counts as an adverse event."

"Don't forget to take a handful of our complimentary antibiotics on your way out."

'Other days you can hear a pin drop.'

'Your physician has to have more confidence in e-prescribing. He followed up with a fax, an e-mail, and a phone call.'

I suppose this probably counts as an adverse event.

'Is it true? You've been selling your venom to pharmaceutical companies to make anti-venom? Traitor!'

"We came up with a pill that cures everything...but I'm warning you, it's gonna be expensive."

"Fortunately treatment will be relatively inexpensive since you have the generic form of the disease!"

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

'This pill you take twice a day before meals. . . this pill you take right after I tell you what those pills cost.'

'Your disease is so rare, there hasn't even been a TV drug ad for it yet.'

"You can't please all the people all the time, so you might as well please the pharmaceutical lobby."

"I'm telling you, these Sales Reps get more aggressive every year."

"Have you popped all those pills I prescribed?"

Placebo Manufacturing Inc.

"I'm pleased to announce we've developed a new drug that's remarkably effective in generating profits."

"Biosimilars? Shouldn't you be prescribing something more BioExact?"

"The transformation is pretty bad, but the worst part is filling out the paperwork for the adverse events."

'I don't care about your stinking study. This time, it better not be the placebo.'

'The bottom line: do we wait for the government to approve it as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as a furniture polish?'

"Publicly, we're still saying there are no side effects."

'Eureka! It won't cure anything, but the side effects are terrific!'

Researcher to partner: 'We spent 10 million dollars for a pill that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.'