Pharmacy Gifts

It was a short-cut through the hospital kitchens that Albert was first approached by a member of the antibiotic resistance.

"And that one's for the relief of anxiety caused by the high cost of medication."

'Success! We created a drug that is effective, quick-acting, and expensive.'

"My drugs are interacting!"

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Ok, now randomly alternate vowels and consonants and we got a name for our new drug."

Pharmaceutical Co - Naming Division.

"No Shakespeare, yet. But, they are churning out ten drug names a week."

'We've had this miracle drug for several years but marketing hasn't been able to come up with a good name.'

"If this drug doesn't relax your nerves, try chanting its incredibly soothing brand name."

"I go home today. They cured me using this new miracle drug. I'm afraid it'll be years before it's approved for humans."

Doctor Sponsored by Pharmaceutical Companies

"Take the green pill to feel hunky, the yellow pill to feel dory."

If the drugs do cause a problem then we've got some pills that might help.

How antidepressants should work.

'Take them until further testing shows they really aren't effective.'

Side Effects

'Look, you've got to stop thinking that one little pill is going to solve all your problems...You need to take at least four, twice a day.'

Drugs - 'Placebos' and 'Ex-strength placebos'.

"The sleeping pills take time to work. Don't expect results overnight."

'Here is the mood elevating medication that your doctor prescribed. The less costly generic version is called chocolate.'

"Take two pills every four hours. Or, take four pills every two hours and get better even faster." What he thought he heard.

Take As Directed Or As Budget Allows

'We decided to recall our new drug because a common side-effect is lawsuits.'

'... which in turn will cause side effects of nausea, for which I'm giving you Trylitol, which will induce temporary blindness, which I'll counteract with...'

'I know Pasteur didn't work under these conditions, but Pasteur didn't have fifty companies trying to steal his trade secrets.'

I didn't experience any of the side effects listed in the enclosed literature. Should I be concerned?'

'It was more of a 'triple blind' test. The patients didn't know which ones were getting the real drug, the doctors didn't know, and, I'm afraid nobody knew.'

'You could just ignore it and hope it goes away. I do that with customers who ask too many questions.'

'Side effects may include loss of appetite, job, home and family.'

'We combined all your medicines into one convenient dose.'

"What do you recommend for greenhouse gas?"

"The pharmacist is on the phone, trying to secure prior authorization. Do you want to wait?"

'Does that mean 1 in 5 people actually enjoy it. . .?'

'THis probably won't work, but we do have medications that will take care of the side effects.'