Pharmaceutical Insider Gifts

Mega Pharmaceuticals Legal Dept. What if we claim a generic knockoff of our miracle drug is blasphemous?

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

"Look on the bright side – the Rogaine worked!"

These Sales Reps get more aggressive every year.

'...the side effects of this designer drug are more beneficial than it's intended use!'

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

The start of a clinical drug trial. Your honor, we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt this pill is both safe and effective.

August, 1897 - Arthur Eichengrun invents aspirin.

The World Pharmaceutical Corporation

"Today big pharma stocks rose on news 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated by pharmaceuticals."

'Due to cutbacks on your insurance plan, your visits to Dr. Phil are no longer covered. You'll have to start seeing Physician's Assistant Phil.'

'I see the rebranded mobile methadone project got underway.'

"Your health is so good, I'm going to recommend your insurance company pay you for the privilege of coverage."

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

'I'm sorry, but your surgery is considered to be experimental, so it's not covered by your insurance.'

"As I suspected, there's nothing wrong with you. But I'd like to keep ordering tests till something turns up."

'Someone's here who'd like you to spend 30 days on an island with 1,000 doctors and some pain pills.'

"Hey, were it up to me, you'd be here for another few days, but then I'm not your insurance company."

"There's been a medical breakthrough that can help your condition. Unfortunately, you need an insurance breakthrough."

'Here are our hot new drugs for fall.'

'An ounce of prevention was worth a pound of cure, but that was before Medicare.'

'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'True rupture is rare. Ladies' breasts are most commonly bursting simply with admiration for me and my skills.'

Pharmacy. Prescription. Don't worry about that --- After paying for those you can't afford to drive! (Published originally on August 1, 2011.)

'Anxiety drugs are driving up big pharma stocks, thanks to global armed conflict!'

Health Foods

'I've decided to recall our latest drug because of one side effect - law suits.'

'Terrific commercial. I'm sold. You'll start on that medicine immediately.'

"The sleeping pills take time to work. Don't expect results overnight."

"So I guess this probably counts as an adverse event."

"We need a product that works like aspirin, but is a lot more expensive to buy."

"Would you like to supersize that?"

"I have good news if you have insurance. Bad news, if you don't."