Big Pharma Insider Gifts

'If we can't cure cancer, our hope is to turn it into a long-term profitbale disease.'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

"That new drug causes flatulence."

AstraZeneca Vaccine vs Sputnik V

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

Funny, this is the same pill the head of the price-gouging drug company needs to take so he can sleep at night, too. Pharmac …

"And once we wipe out the disease, where does that leave us?"

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

'Now here's my idea...we come up with a really high-priced drug to treat drug side effects...'

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

"All those in favor of adding another 5 billion organisms to our probiotic just for the fun of it..."

"R&D really created a miracle drug this time...at least it's been miraculous for our bottom line!"

ANd the Oscar for the best special side effects goes to ASTRAZENECA!

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

'I see the rebranded mobile methadone project got underway.'

"Today big pharma stocks rose on news 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated by pharmaceuticals."

Profits for Big Pharma

"Good news - we're merging with Pinetree Pharma. They make the cures for all the harm our drugs do."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

'...may the best pharmaceuticals win.'

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

Mega Pharmaceuticals Legal Dept. What if we claim a generic knockoff of our miracle drug is blasphemous?

'Human clinical trials start in six months. Sooner if we run out of mice.'

'The bottom line: do we wait for the government to approve it as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as a furniture polish?'

'Generics of generics - that's the way we'll go.'

"Well, the drug's no good, but the side effects are bitchin'."

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."