Big Business Insider Gifts

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

"And once we wipe out the disease, where does that leave us?"

Supermarket Merge

Making The World A Better Place for Giant Multinational Corporations

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

"I feel that what would really give your next album a major boost would be some kind of well-publicized personal problem."

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

'The global economy supplies basic tools. A lot of us get the axe.'

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

"My lawyer doesn't trust my agent who doesn't trust the director who doesn't trust the screenwriter who doesn't trust me. All perfectly normal."

'The music business.'

"You have reached our 800 number. . . . If you are a preferred account, please dial B-I-G-S-H-O-T now. . . . If you are an ordinary account, dial J-O-E-B-L-O-W now. . . . If you have a service complaint, dial G-E-T-L-O-S-T now."

'We've decided to call off our go-slow.'

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."

"When I was young, music and lyrics were important! Now it's all about production...it's all jiggly butts, smoke, sexy clothes and crazy videos!"

Man about executive: 'Success went to his head. There was plenty of room there.'

A gargoyle holds up sign saying 'I have critical market info'

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

"Surprisingly, it's not in reverse order."

The Unbearableness of Being Inanimate

"Manufacturing will take place in China, R&D in Korea, customer support will be run from Mumbai and logistics handled in Vietnam."

Merchant Bankers - Patience is a virtue, anyone displaying it will be dismissed

'He's a major client.'

'Acme Meat - meat products, bi-products, and bi-product spinoffs...'

"I guess the German takeover was successful."

Pollution and money

"It's not just the church that needs evangelists. So does big oil."

'Offshoring is the future and I'm afraid we've founds a lawyer in Mumbai whose 46% better at being you for half the cost.'

"This won best award show last year."