Business Insider Gifts

"Kickbacks....kickbacks..."

'Offshoring is the future and I'm afraid we've founds a lawyer in Mumbai whose 46% better at being you for half the cost.'

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Gosh, guys, I'm excited. This is my first cabal."

Mergers are going on everywhere! Big companies eating little ones. It makes a fellow want to sing. Huh? When the firms merge, when they cut jobs, when market powers king ... These are a few of my favorite things ... Hide the kids.

'Oh, this is much worst than being out of the loop. They've photoshopped me out of the annual report!'

'Of course I believe you ... numbers never lie.'

"Surprisingly, it's not in reverse order."

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

Supermarket Merge

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

"I feel that what would really give your next album a major boost would be some kind of well-publicized personal problem."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

'I know the Oval Office is in the West Wing. I wonder what mischief goes on in the East Wing?'

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

"My lawyer doesn't trust my agent who doesn't trust the director who doesn't trust the screenwriter who doesn't trust me. All perfectly normal."

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

'The global economy supplies basic tools. A lot of us get the axe.'

"Facebook VP — you'll be in Circle No. 4."

'I was trying to predict future market trends and the computer blew up!'

'The music business.'

'I stopped paying attention to polls since a poll showed voters prefer someone who ignores the polls.'

"You have reached our 800 number. . . . If you are a preferred account, please dial B-I-G-S-H-O-T now. . . . If you are an ordinary account, dial J-O-E-B-L-O-W now. . . . If you have a service complaint, dial G-E-T-L-O-S-T now."

The Unbearableness of Being Inanimate

Man about executive: 'Success went to his head. There was plenty of room there.'

'This thing is dangerous! -- invent fire and burn it up!'

"Will the current economic trend end in a whimper or a bang? For answers, let's turn to tonight's guests!"

"When I was young, music and lyrics were important! Now it's all about production...it's all jiggly butts, smoke, sexy clothes and crazy videos!"

'We've decided to call off our go-slow.'