Corporate Insider Gifts

"He's becoming insufferably 'More transparent than thou.'"

Early American Executive Washroom

". . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2 . . . 1. . . Ok that's enough time infront of the painting. You may go in and see him now."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"National security adviser"

'Tesco's cheif executive meets with staff.'

"Shankar, I needed someone to dot the 'I's' and cross the 'T's' but that was before there was ChatGPT."

"Maybe our beloved founder is trying to tell us something."

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

"Hold everything! I just thought up a terrific loophole!"

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

'I wouldn't worry about the retirement plan. You'd have to be out of your mind to work here that long.'

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'As we all know, the appearance of honesty is the best policy....'

"I feel that what would really give your next album a major boost would be some kind of well-publicized personal problem."

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

'Due to cutbacks on your insurance plan, your visits to Dr. Phil are no longer covered. You'll have to start seeing Physician's Assistant Phil.'

Suggestion Box.

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

"Encouraging dissent is a good way of finding out who the traitors are."

There are better responses to 'change' than running around the office screaming 'We're doomed!'

'How's the meeting going, Ed?'

'I was trying to predict future market trends and the computer blew up!'

"You have reached our 800 number. . . . If you are a preferred account, please dial B-I-G-S-H-O-T now. . . . If you are an ordinary account, dial J-O-E-B-L-O-W now. . . . If you have a service complaint, dial G-E-T-L-O-S-T now."

"Your health is so good, I'm going to recommend your insurance company pay you for the privilege of coverage."

'Money isn't everything...but it should be.'

99 Cent Store

"This is a work station, Jackson!"

"Like Facebook, I have also changed our company name so that it will be more clear and transparent to our customers who we are and what we do."