Corporate Insider Gifts

"He's becoming insufferably 'More transparent than thou.'"

Early American Executive Washroom

". . . 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2 . . . 1. . . Ok that's enough time infront of the painting. You may go in and see him now."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"National security adviser"

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"Shankar, I needed someone to dot the 'I's' and cross the 'T's' but that was before there was ChatGPT."

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

"Hold everything! I just thought up a terrific loophole!"

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

'I wouldn't worry about the retirement plan. You'd have to be out of your mind to work here that long.'

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

"I feel that what would really give your next album a major boost would be some kind of well-publicized personal problem."

'As we all know, the appearance of honesty is the best policy....'

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

'Due to cutbacks on your insurance plan, your visits to Dr. Phil are no longer covered. You'll have to start seeing Physician's Assistant Phil.'

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

Suggestion Box.

"Encouraging dissent is a good way of finding out who the traitors are."

There are better responses to 'change' than running around the office screaming 'We're doomed!'

'How's the meeting going, Ed?'

'I was trying to predict future market trends and the computer blew up!'

"You have reached our 800 number. . . . If you are a preferred account, please dial B-I-G-S-H-O-T now. . . . If you are an ordinary account, dial J-O-E-B-L-O-W now. . . . If you have a service complaint, dial G-E-T-L-O-S-T now."

"Your health is so good, I'm going to recommend your insurance company pay you for the privilege of coverage."

"Pretty good day. I wasn't linked to anything incriminating."

"This is a work station, Jackson!"

'Money isn't everything...but it should be.'

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

"Surprisingly, it's not in reverse order."

...Unemployment rising... 'I knew the employment bubble would burst eventually.'