Financial Insider Gifts

'For charities to say that celebrities behaviour doesn't always help people in need is ridiculous.'

Mario Draghi

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

'For Harland, the only game in town is the bulls versus the bears...'

'My interpretation is that it deals with the artist's utter frustration over the scarcity of remaining, reasonable equity values.'

Early Attempt at Quantitative Easing.

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

Does your accountant share your enthusiasm for the future...We're fantastically excited about the new project!

"Which way up do you want it?"

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

World Financial Mafia

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

"Really? You'd like to be part of this?"

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

Fiscal cliff

'These are our projected profits as capitalism self-destructs.'

'I know the Oval Office is in the West Wing. I wonder what mischief goes on in the East Wing?'

'When we come back we'll talk to a man who made a fortune on Wall Street and almost got away with it.'

"Will you two stop giggling every time I say 'assets'?"

'Due to cutbacks on your insurance plan, your visits to Dr. Phil are no longer covered. You'll have to start seeing Physician's Assistant Phil.'

'It's the NEW Chinese Stock Market Report.'

'Trading was active in rumors, today...'

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

'I was trying to predict future market trends and the computer blew up!'

"Your health is so good, I'm going to recommend your insurance company pay you for the privilege of coverage."

"You have reached our 800 number. . . . If you are a preferred account, please dial B-I-G-S-H-O-T now. . . . If you are an ordinary account, dial J-O-E-B-L-O-W now. . . . If you have a service complaint, dial G-E-T-L-O-S-T now."

'I stopped paying attention to polls since a poll showed voters prefer someone who ignores the polls.'

"And now over to our financial reporter for the latest on the state of the market."

Man about executive: 'Success went to his head. There was plenty of room there.'

"You know how to whistle don't you Steve, you just put your lips together and blow. . . but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Great work on the annual report, John. It's fact-driven, yet delightfully unencumbered by reality!"

"Hey, were it up to me, you'd be here for another few days, but then I'm not your insurance company."