Healthcare Insider Gifts

'It's not for soaking your feet... it's a bedpan!'

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

The doctor's not in, he was caught with a magazine in the waiting room less than ten years old and was arrested.

'We don't have a cure for your ailment but there is an appropriate app available.'

"And once we wipe out the disease, where does that leave us?"

'Brain surgery? I have an app for that!'

"We probably need to rethink our revenue strategy for the practice."

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

Stafford Hospital - Twinned with Hell.

Minister rubbishes private sector hospital initiative.

Mega Pharmaceuticals Legal Dept. What if we claim a generic knockoff of our miracle drug is blasphemous?

"If you keep perfectly still, I can do all five cavities at once."

'Due to cutbacks on your insurance plan, your visits to Dr. Phil are no longer covered. You'll have to start seeing Physician's Assistant Phil.'

"They used to call them G.P.s."

"You know it's the American drug companies that give you the headache that is cured by the pills they sell you."

"I'm starting up a concierge medicine practice. You in?"

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'That was quick!'

Playing doctor: 'This time I get to play the HMO bureaucrat who decides if you live or die.'

"Your health is so good, I'm going to recommend your insurance company pay you for the privilege of coverage."

"As I suspected, there's nothing wrong with you. But I'd like to keep ordering tests till something turns up."

'I'm sorry, but your surgery is considered to be experimental, so it's not covered by your insurance.'

"We at MEGAPHARMA are 100% behind the benefits of 'talking therapies' which is why we've developed MEGAZYMOLIN to enhance the experience..."

"Instead of burying it, invest in pharmaceuticals."

"Hey, were it up to me, you'd be here for another few days, but then I'm not your insurance company."

"I'm sorry, Mr Percival, but what you've got is not economically treatable."

"There's been a medical breakthrough that can help your condition. Unfortunately, you need an insurance breakthrough."

"Do a double-blind test. Give the new drug to rich patients and a placebo to the poor. No sense getting their hopes up. They couldn't afford it even if it works."

'An ounce of prevention was worth a pound of cure, but that was before Medicare.'

'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'

'Is there a doctor in the house we can trust?'

"We've been so consolidated the last few years our logo is a mishmash of a bit of everything."

Hospital: Accident and Emergency and On Purpose and Suffering Nicely.

'True rupture is rare. Ladies' breasts are most commonly bursting simply with admiration for me and my skills.'