Hospital Insider Gifts

Someone should be with you later, they're all on a patient care course.'

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

Politics in nurse staffing

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

Being Serenading in Casualty

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

'Whatever it is, you've got it bad and that ain't good.'

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

'We've been told to get families more involved in patient care, he'll need a bath and lunch in about 30 minutes.'

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

Hospital Visit

"As I suspected, there's nothing wrong with you. But I'd like to keep ordering tests till something turns up."

Hospital Cleaning.

'True rupture is rare. Ladies' breasts are most commonly bursting simply with admiration for me and my skills.'

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

Health Foods

"It's not for soaking your feet. . . it's a bed pan."

'Where's the first-aid kit?'

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

'This is nurse Rochester, if there's anything worrying you she's the person to share your concerns with so that they get recorded and filed properly.'

"We need a product that works like aspirin, but is a lot more expensive to buy."

"This hospital is underachieving. So, I'm recommending an extra dollop of custard on your pudding at teatime."

'It's going to take me ten hours to read your care instructions and your insurance only covers an hour of care.'

'Intensive and or expensive care?'

"Actually, what doesn't kill you just raises the cost of everyone's insurance"

'Lunch!'

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

'It's not for soaking your feet... it's a bedpan!'

"He's one tough cookie. I've never seen anyone bounce back from an autopsy before."

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

Boy tricking the nurse