Phantom Philosopher Gifts

'Don't be alarmed. I'm a messenger sent to inform you of your past ghost who's in jail, your present ghost who's under interrogation and your future ghost who's doomed to hell.'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

"Geez, from way up here it almost looks like there’s hope for humanity."

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

Woman on the phone.

Colin didn't really need a pocket-calculator...he already knew how many pockets he had!

Some recently de-classified nuclear secrets.

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

Gawk

"Are you busy or are you at work?"

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

'I blog, therefore I am.'

A Higgs Bosun

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

'I heard it was because of a broken charger.'

'And I don't appreciate being left on hold,with Motorhead's 'The ace of spades'!'

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

Interior Monologuist

Legends of Hold Music

"I can't live in a glen that has such a narrow definition of what it is to be elfin."

"You're addicted to your phone and I think you need help."

'God is father to us all, but surely Jesus was his only biological child?'

'I can't believe I phoned my ex at 4 in the morning and go the wrong number. Still, if I look on the upside...it's lucky I didn't get the right number.'

'I'm not seeking any answers . . .I don't know anything . . . I'm just lazy!'

"My work is to stare into space."

'Don't do today what you can leave for tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week or until someone else does it for you.'

Mavis didn't realise she was still on hold. . . !

"The universal remote. That's how God rules the universe."

"Instead of chanting 'Aum' can I keep texting 'Good Morning?'"

'I'm going back as a ghost. It's time to give something back to the community.'

"We can now tell the rest of the mice that after testing on lab humans, phones can be an addictive time waster."

'I feel so... lethargic. Well, I would be if I could be bothered.'