Phantom Philosopher Pillows

'Don't be alarmed. I'm a messenger sent to inform you of your past ghost who's in jail, your present ghost who's under interrogation and your future ghost who's doomed to hell.'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

"Geez, from way up here it almost looks like there’s hope for humanity."

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

Woman on the phone.

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

"How do you know if you're really in love, Randy?"

Some recently de-classified nuclear secrets.

Colin didn't really need a pocket-calculator...he already knew how many pockets he had!

'I blog, therefore I am.'

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

Gawk

"Are you busy or are you at work?"

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

Quiet!

A Higgs Bosun

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

'I heard it was because of a broken charger.'

'And I don't appreciate being left on hold,with Motorhead's 'The ace of spades'!'

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

Legends of Hold Music

'God is father to us all, but surely Jesus was his only biological child?'

Interior Monologuist

'I'm not seeking any answers . . .I don't know anything . . . I'm just lazy!'

"You're addicted to your phone and I think you need help."

"I can't live in a glen that has such a narrow definition of what it is to be elfin."

'I can't believe I phoned my ex at 4 in the morning and go the wrong number. Still, if I look on the upside...it's lucky I didn't get the right number.'

"My work is to stare into space."

'Don't do today what you can leave for tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week or until someone else does it for you.'

Mavis didn't realise she was still on hold. . . !

"Instead of chanting 'Aum' can I keep texting 'Good Morning?'"

"The universal remote. That's how God rules the universe."

"We can now tell the rest of the mice that after testing on lab humans, phones can be an addictive time waster."