Backup Philosopher Pillows

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

'I know about the birds and the bees. Tell me about the bears and the bulls.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

"....But then I find myself saying, what if there isn't more to life than this?"

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

Woman on the phone.

'I've been told before that I'm very mature for a three year old.'

"I should've never studied canon law."

The Three Kinds of People

"Remember, we're the next generation so try not to blow it."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"I don't believe in egrets."

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Reverend, if we're born again in Jesus...do we get another belly button?"

I disturbed the class by talking in my sleep.

"I'd like me first word to be profound, but I'll probably panic and blurt out 'Mama' like every other baby."

Kid praying: 'If it's okay with you, don't record this one.'

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

"Before the library cuts I was well-read now I just have ill-informed opinions."