Freelance Philosopher Pillows

It seems only yesterday I had a wife, a job, a home...and now what have I got? A big zip.

'The trouble with being self-employed is you can't nick office supplies!'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

5pm Happy Hour. 6pm discussion: what is true happiness?

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

The Three Kinds of People

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"I don't believe in egrets."

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

"Before the library cuts I was well-read now I just have ill-informed opinions."

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

Stephen Fry.