Freelance Philosopher Gifts

It seems only yesterday I had a wife, a job, a home...and now what have I got? A big zip.

'The trouble with being self-employed is you can't nick office supplies!'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

5pm Happy Hour. 6pm discussion: what is true happiness?

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

'There's no art to the mind's construction on Facebook, Macbeth.'

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"I should've never studied canon law."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

The Three Kinds of People

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

Career Elevator

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"I don't believe in egrets."

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

"Before the library cuts I was well-read now I just have ill-informed opinions."