Fee-paying Philosopher Gifts

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"I'm overpaid and underworked, but you don't see me complaining!"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"When I get to Heaven, will I still have to clean my room?"

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

"If CEO pay packets aren't a problem, why doesn't everyone get one?"

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

Student - Haven't emailed in 2 days.

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

"To be honest the culture sucks, but the pay is amazing."

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

'Actually I only do this on weekends.'

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

My definition of 'quality time?'...charging $500 per hour.

'I'm prepared to pay you a living wage. Of course, what kind of a living you get out of it is entirely up to you.'

"With so many applicants for a few jobs, we can lower the pay and drop the benefits!"

'The only thing keeping me from being successful is not having a salary.'

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

'I'd like to participate in gym class, but I'm afraid I'll get overheated and contribute to the global warming problem.'

'I owe all my drive, ambition, and dedication to student debt.'

'I suppose you've often wondered what you'd do if you had my income.'

'I hear your fees are very reasonable.'

"I love academe. And academe loves me to death. But crap, I'm just not in love."

'This next song is about a close call and a near success. It's called The Grant that Got Away.'

"And the Haves, you might say, are divided into the Gives and Give Nots."

The Evolution Of Manhood

'If that's the going salary, then what's the starting salary?'

"A thirst for knowledge, …. That was another of my great thirsts."

'Of course I'm overpaid, everyone is overpaid!'

'We'd love to pay staff more, but there's just no money! But you've got dozens of empty posts, why can't you use the money saved to pay better rates?'

"All this talk about self-driving cars. I can't see the benefit. They'll never catch on. Believe me son, people like to drive."

"Good news, mom and dad! It took 20 years, but I finally over my 'I know more than you' phase."