Part-time Philosopher Gifts

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

"A thirst for knowledge, …. That was another of my great thirsts."

'I only make $8 an hour, but fortunately, since they cut my hours, the job doesn't take up much of my time.'

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

"So, Baldo, do you remember when you started working here?"

'I was considered a part time employee since I only worked one night a year and thus wasn't eligible for the pension plan, so here I am in my golden years working as a parking attendant.'

'Retirement, Higgins? -- But at forty hours per week, you've only worked here thirteen years.'

'Actually I only do this on weekends.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"One year closer to college!"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Apparently, when the tide came in, a lot of castles went bust."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"When I get to Heaven, will I still have to clean my room?"

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

"I should've never studied canon law."

"When the slowest car in the fast lane don't go any slower than the fastest car in the slow lane."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

The Three Kinds of People

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

'In my opinion, you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. Unless, of course, you're Jones, who thinks he can just float above it all!'

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."