Backup Philosopher Gifts

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'I know about the birds and the bees. Tell me about the bears and the bulls.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

"....But then I find myself saying, what if there isn't more to life than this?"

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

'I've been told before that I'm very mature for a three year old.'

Woman on the phone.

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"Remember, we're the next generation so try not to blow it."

The Three Kinds of People

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"I don't believe in egrets."

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

I disturbed the class by talking in my sleep.

"Before the library cuts I was well-read now I just have ill-informed opinions."

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

Kid praying: 'If it's okay with you, don't record this one.'

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

"I'd like me first word to be profound, but I'll probably panic and blurt out 'Mama' like every other baby."

"Reverend, if we're born again in Jesus...do we get another belly button?"

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'