Faux Philosopher Gifts

'Do you have any enemies?' - 'No, only a lot of friends who hate me.'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

"Geez, from way up here it almost looks like there’s hope for humanity."

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

"Ideas that jump from noggin when head not yet screwed on."

"I don't know… Did you try Googling it?"

Emergency Phone.

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"I should've never studied canon law."

The Three Kinds of People

'If someone farts in the forest and there's no one around to smell it, does it make a stink?'

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"I don't believe in egrets."

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"Before the library cuts I was well-read now I just have ill-informed opinions."

"Just remember, kid...whether you post on Facebook, Twitter or YouTube...it's all show biz."

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

Stephen Fry.

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'I've got a highspeed connection and I get spam... therefore I am!'