Cheating Philosopher Gifts

'I got a darn D-plus, and that's WITH cheating!'

"I AM at my usual position."

"Geez, from way up here it almost looks like there’s hope for humanity."

Emergency Phone.

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

'He's studying to go to university' - Student reading book; 'HOW TO LIVE ON NO MONEY'

Lost and forgotten department

'I've been under a lot of pressure.' (Diver on therapist's couch).

"2 glasses of wine at lunch, I think I'm Socrates..."

"Listen up - today is the first day in the rest of the coronavirus crisis!"

Square root of chicken is egg.

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

"Pawn to King Four."

"My work is to stare into space."

'If you bark your head off all night in a forest and no one hears you, are you still a bad dog?'

"I'm not a fallen angel, precisely, but I have had a few stumbles."

Blight at the end of the tunnel

'Do you have any enemies?' - 'No, only a lot of friends who hate me.'

"I totally wiped out on my bike."

'...I can accept that bad things sometimes happen to good people. What drives me nuts is how all the good things always seem to happen to people I can't stand!'

'I never finished college, but the $60,000 my parents spent on my education should count for something.'

'The apple is just a marketing ploy. There's a limo service out of here and free shopping at the mall.'

'If I had made it in big business my email address would have been 'swifterthanbillgates.com'.'

Penny for your inner monologue

"Fraud or redistribution!"

"Good, bad: who cares? Did you bring cash?"

A man and his son both try to hide their vices.

'It doesn't look good. He's writing a farewell blog.'

"Glad I'm not self employed, I've wasted the entire day."

"Sometimes I'm not sure if I chase my tail or my tail chases me."

Prisoner.

"Yeah, I'm an atheist-and a damn good one."