Stay-at-home Philosopher Pillows

"So what books didn't you get around to reading during lockdown?"

Eraserhead

"It's an update from the people tracking us. According to this, we haven't gone anywhere or done anything."

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

"So that's where you were last night."

The Boys of Indian Summer

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

'Actually I only do this on weekends.'

"I work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to resign."

'A little madness in the Spring is wholesome even for the King' -Emily Dickinson.

"A new study shows half of all marriages end in divorce when one of the spouses bring their work home with them. Would you care to respond, honey?"

"I swear, we spend more time decided which squirrel to bark at than we do actually barking at it."

'You always say you'll do things tomorrow. . . but you never do.'

"Me: I never get invited to anything Also me: Sorry, I'm so tired, think I'll stay in."

"If someone says they're a leader and no one hears it, is it true?"

That's not quite what I meant by a 'balanced diet'..

"A thirst for knowledge, …. That was another of my great thirsts."

Philosophy - who said it has no practical uses

"I think my mid life crisis has slipped by without me noticing it!"

"Tonight, I was thinking we could run laps around the living room and then check out that Zoom standup show, but I'm open to other horrible ideas."

'When, son, do you plan to leave your mother and father and cleave unto another?'

"Why is that moron screaming so loud at something that isn't there?"

'All I hope for is that the weekdays don't ruin my weekend.'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

"Harold, would you say you are left of center, right of center, left of left, right of left, left of right, or right of right, or what?"

"I dreamed my parents were still alive."

"Perhaps it's a bit early to tell, but I'll bet the Presidential visit changes nothing."

'And me fresh out of xanax.'

"Beats hanging around the water cooler."

"What's the secret of your longevity, Grampa?" "I guess it's because I was just never that curious about anything."

"Meh. Bones are ok. But just once I'd like to sink my toothless gums into a delicious meatloaf."

"Well according to this you're sat in my wealth corner."