Pet Pessimist Gifts

Kelly regretted not buying a dog.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nobody listens to me complain quite like you do."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Tom's last day.

"Road construction used to bother me. But compared to all the craziness going on in the world, I'll take this any day."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

The End is Near art gallery opening.

"A glimmer of hope is fine, Hendricks, but anything more than that will lead to massive disappointment."

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

'Barnhill from Marketing will present our economic projections.'

"Die alone"

Lent is a real drag this year. - 'Why? What did you give up?' - 'Hope.' - 'I gave up chocolate. Guess what?1' - 'What?' - 'I've made my ideal weight! Yay!'

Half Empty/Half Full/I'm Still On Vacation!!!

Abstract art proves that things can be as bad as they look.

'Have you seen the financial pages?' - 'Yes, things are going to get a lot worse before the get worse.'

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'Turned out nice again.'

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

This will be a banner day for you!

The guy who wanted change, experience, a shoulder to cry on, and a medal, all tied up in a nice,neat package, with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

"Look, a shooting star- let's critique it!"

"People wipe their feet on me all day long. I mean, really, what could possibly be worse than that?"

'Look at that lunatic...'

'I tend to look on the negative side of things. Do you guys do rose coloured glasses'

A giant squid gets "Life Sucks" tattooed on its tentacles.

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

The end is near! Wacko. The end is far!

"This feels like the start of something that will eventually break one of our hearts."

All my silver linings have clouds around them.

'Against Joie De Vivre': Meet the author today.

"The nice thing about being a fruit fly is you only have to listen to one news cycle."

"First they make you button your own shirt, then they make you tie your own shoes...you gotta ask yourself ? where's this all heading?"

Half Full/Half Empty

'Do we have to go through this every year Henman says he can win Wimbledon?'