Pest Professor Gifts

'Okay this test is scheduled for three hours, Fruit fly, you can be excused if you need to die,'

'If Earwigs looked like baby seals:'

"Make a lot of money."

'Desert island cartoons - and you?'

U of Debt

University Soapflakes

'BANG' and a cosmology institute appears.

"Okay, that's enough Physics for one day. Take a break and chase your tails."

"So, what does everyone think of XX81's suggestion for increased funding into AI research?"

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

The best PE teacher in the World.

"I understand the revisionists are hot on your trail, Professor Delauney."

'He always tees off like that. He used to throw the discus in college.'

Mouse living in a wedding cake.

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

"Remember, education pays, unless you end up an adjunct - like me."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

University Cafeteria. The first semester of college is tough. I'm not taking geography because I couldn't find the classroom on the map. I'm way behind on my archeology assignments. I'm buried and need to dig my way out. And everybody in political science lies and cheats to get ahead. How are you doing in statistics? I think I'm doing very well! My test scores are hugely below the class median. I should probably learn what that means.

Westview High School Soccer League Victory Dinner

"Papi, will you play build-a-model-rocket-so-we-can-calculate-acceleration-rates-and-thrust-levels-for-maximum-payload with me? Please?!"

Newton's Cradle Solar System

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

Chicken soup for the adjunct professors soul

"Before invasive species, the only things I could grow were weeds and mildew."

Bearded Leftie.

I think I know where the noises in your wall are coming from. Pest control.

"This afternoon, we'll be turning our attention to Guess jeans."

Yale makes better lock than rival Harvard.

"My husband's the academic. I just like to travel. I'm more of a pandemic."

'And from this point follow me very carefully.'

"Perkins! What have you gone and done now...??"

"The answer you seek can be found in the syllabus."