Pest Philosopher Gifts

Commands Respect

"Well, I admire your resilience."

'This is for you - your garden is so great this year we voted you an honorary rabbit!'

'Yes, most humans call us pests or vermin, but a few of them love us as pets...'

"When you think about it I suppose a weed is just a flower with no fan club."

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

"Yes, one is a dog."

Cat Reunion

Eagle (The Divine Comedy).

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

"What if Newton came up with a different idea from a fallen apple."

Bees v Wasps

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"Dogs are men."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

Critical Ethanol report

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

The Inner Dog.

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

"I'm your surrogate mother, son. I just provided the oven."

'Aside from a crazed sheep now and then, this is a very risk-free profession.'

'Enough of my tapeworm - tell me about your fleas.'

"You need a hobby."

Fuels paradise.

"So, Michael, any pesticidal thoughts today?"

"I've never trusted cows."

'This is the last time I get a truck with a think tank.'

'I'd like to participate in gym class, but I'm afraid I'll get overheated and contribute to the global warming problem.'

The oil crisis.

"These dizzy spells, I have a theory."

An Alien whose spaceship has tun out of gas is about to meet a human with the same problem.