Pest Philosopher Gifts

Commands Respect

"Well, I admire your resilience."

'This is for you - your garden is so great this year we voted you an honorary rabbit!'

'Yes, most humans call us pests or vermin, but a few of them love us as pets...'

"When you think about it I suppose a weed is just a flower with no fan club."

"Why do people talk about a rat's nest like it's a bad thing?"

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Cat Reunion

Eagle (The Divine Comedy).

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

"What if Newton came up with a different idea from a fallen apple."

"Dogs are men."

Bees v Wasps

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

Critical Ethanol report

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

The Inner Dog.

"I'm your surrogate mother, son. I just provided the oven."

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

'Aside from a crazed sheep now and then, this is a very risk-free profession.'

'Enough of my tapeworm - tell me about your fleas.'

"So, Michael, any pesticidal thoughts today?"

Einstein tests his pasta-antipasto theory.

Fuels paradise.

"You need a hobby."

"I've never trusted cows."

'I'd like to participate in gym class, but I'm afraid I'll get overheated and contribute to the global warming problem.'

'This is the last time I get a truck with a think tank.'

"These dizzy spells, I have a theory."