Pest Comedian Gifts

'It's not your hosta plant the snails come back for �' it's the fairground thrills you keep giving them'

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"Houston, we have a problem."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"My wife is the queen of misheard lyrics! Listen to her singing carefully next time: it's hilarious..."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

Brighton Bersagliere.

"Can I get this to go in an organic, locally recycled, eco-friendly doggie bag?"

"You're missing the whole gestalt of Frisbee!"

"What do you mean blood sucking pest? You're the one who invited me into your life!"

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'I can tell you one thing, Madam. These ears have been neglected...

'For Sale by Neighbor'

Climate Conference. I'm glad you enjoyed my speech, but please don't call it the "high-water mark."

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

Of all the times for us to run in to team GB's Olympic synchronised swimming squad!

Fish swimming in a pint of beer.

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

"He's a rescue, and before that he was in Vaudeville."

'I think its being tapped.'

'I'd say that our transport policy couldn't get any greener'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"Okay, okay - next time I'll spring the trap and you grab the cheese."

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"I can't wait to see the look on their faces."

"Want to see me make him beg, roll over and shake?"

"Are you walking the dog? We live on the third floor!"

"Can I barrow your pen?"

"Your honor, my client is a very respectable blood-sucking pest."

"The human is back - act normal."

'Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?'

"This stuff worked pretty well on me."

"Here he comes! Don't move."

"Did you just tweet?"

"Sometimes I get a craving for sushi."