Pension Fund Managers Pillows

"Complaints about the industry have gone through the roof!"

The day the stock market went UP.

Build Your Own Portfolio

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

'It's okay. We'll just push our retirement plan back a bit.'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"What a tragedy... he still had two years of his super left..."

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

"People are looking for stability in pension arrangements..."

Aggressive growth fund loses money shorting gold.

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

The Contrarian funds

"It drives me MAD when people whine about the amount top management get paid. . ."

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

"The industry has agreed to take the pensions dashboard off our hands. . ."

'I just checked my portfolio and it's worth a small fortune. Unfortunately, I started with a large fortune.'

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

'When bad 401ks happen to good people'

"The pension crisis prompted me to consider alternative invstments. Like Roulette."

"I asked you to send me over a prospectus!"

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

'Our mutual fund management changed the name of the fund to clearly communicate their investment objectives. The fund is now called 'Make Money Anyway We Can'.'

"Normally after 365 years we'd be looking at a better figure, but not when you've only worked one day a year!"

"In normal circumstances a full state pension would be an automatic..."

'Last money market for 8 blocks'

'What did the fund manager say to the investment advisor?'

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'Harley manages our most aggressive growth fund.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Our generous pensions are unsustainable so I'm firing you."

"Scary stuff, but I'm not sure the world is ready for the unexpurgated story of life as a pensions adviser!"

Impressive fund manager.