Pension Fund Manager Humor Pillows

"Let the minutes show we're not taking the pension fund and putting it all on the 2.30 at Newmarket."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'No need to yell son, I may be deaf, but I can still read.'

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

"Our generous pensions are unsustainable so I'm firing you."

'The bad news is you've lived well beyond your expiration date.'

"Can I interest you in a ledge fund?"

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

'How many pension fund managers does it take to change a lightbulb...?'

'This IS our retirement plan.'

"All I know is, I named my pet porcupine Bill Ackman, and he immediately lost a hundred points."

"It's ridiculous to claim that we've been rewarding investment managers foolishly!"

Squirrel Pyramid Scheme

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

Bear Market

The Pension Fund Fairy.

"Pensions is a complicated business."

'Bascombe has put all his mutual fund assets into a blind trust, but it was set up so well he can't even locate it.'

'You have no pension. Have you thought about running a pension in France?'

'You have to spend money to make money, and Walter just HATES it.'

Bus Stop. The ex-CEO plundered the pension fund. He traded in our safety net for his golden parachute.

"Since interest rates are low, I'd like to refinance my bankruptcy."

"Complaints about the industry have gone through the roof!"

"It drives me crazy to hear pension fund managers complaining about boardroom pay..."

'You have nothing to fear but fear itself... and my bill.'

"Pension planning is really quite a simple affair..."

"I thought you said risk taking was okay?" 'Not putting the pension fund on Lucky Lady to win."

'Since you just came in to say hello, there'll only be a nominal service charge.'

'Just saying I'm a CPA is boring. I'm going to start saying 'I'm a CPA, as it were.''

'We're both collecting Social Security. But my husband supplements our income by losing money in the stock market.'

"It's a real pleasure to do business with you..."

'20 dollars in quarters, under the table, please.'