Pension Fund Manager Humor Gifts

"Let the minutes show we're not taking the pension fund and putting it all on the 2.30 at Newmarket."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'No need to yell son, I may be deaf, but I can still read.'

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

"Our generous pensions are unsustainable so I'm firing you."

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."

'The bad news is you've lived well beyond your expiration date.'

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

"Can I interest you in a ledge fund?"

'How many pension fund managers does it take to change a lightbulb...?'

'This IS our retirement plan.'

Squirrel Pyramid Scheme

"It's ridiculous to claim that we've been rewarding investment managers foolishly!"

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

Bear Market

The Pension Fund Fairy.

"Pensions is a complicated business."

'Bascombe has put all his mutual fund assets into a blind trust, but it was set up so well he can't even locate it.'

'You have no pension. Have you thought about running a pension in France?'

'You have to spend money to make money, and Walter just HATES it.'

"Since interest rates are low, I'd like to refinance my bankruptcy."

"Complaints about the industry have gone through the roof!"

'You have nothing to fear but fear itself... and my bill.'

"Pension planning is really quite a simple affair..."

"It drives me crazy to hear pension fund managers complaining about boardroom pay..."

"I thought you said risk taking was okay?" 'Not putting the pension fund on Lucky Lady to win."

'Since you just came in to say hello, there'll only be a nominal service charge.'

'Just saying I'm a CPA is boring. I'm going to start saying 'I'm a CPA, as it were.''

"It's a real pleasure to do business with you..."

'We're both collecting Social Security. But my husband supplements our income by losing money in the stock market.'

"He's retired, which means too much husband and not enough money."

"Of course annuity rates are enormously fickle..."