Pension Fund Managers Gifts

"Complaints about the industry have gone through the roof!"

The day the stock market went UP.

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"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

'It's okay. We'll just push our retirement plan back a bit.'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"What a tragedy... he still had two years of his super left..."

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

Aggressive growth fund loses money shorting gold.

"People are looking for stability in pension arrangements..."

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

The Contrarian funds

'I'm sorry, Collin, but our Dreyfus Mid-Cap fund completely tanked, so we're going to have to let you go.'

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

"It drives me MAD when people whine about the amount top management get paid. . ."

"The industry has agreed to take the pensions dashboard off our hands. . ."

'I just checked my portfolio and it's worth a small fortune. Unfortunately, I started with a large fortune.'

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

'When bad 401ks happen to good people'

"I asked you to send me over a prospectus!"

"The pension crisis prompted me to consider alternative invstments. Like Roulette."

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

'What did the fund manager say to the investment advisor?'

"Normally after 365 years we'd be looking at a better figure, but not when you've only worked one day a year!"

'Our mutual fund management changed the name of the fund to clearly communicate their investment objectives. The fund is now called 'Make Money Anyway We Can'.'

"In normal circumstances a full state pension would be an automatic..."

'Last money market for 8 blocks'

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'Harley manages our most aggressive growth fund.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Scary stuff, but I'm not sure the world is ready for the unexpurgated story of life as a pensions adviser!"

"Our generous pensions are unsustainable so I'm firing you."

"That 'basket' of foreign shares you recommended has performed so badly, I've had to sell the basket on Ebay."