Financial Advisor Humor Gifts

I accept credit cards: 'Thanks! Do you want your card back?'

"I've just had mine repossessed..."

British savings accounts

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

America's Funniest Interest Rate Hikes

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"You have to declare what you rob from the rich, but you can deduct what you give to the poor."

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

Out of control

"At least we're consistent ... "

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

Bank notes coming out of a safe.

The Decline of the Euro.

Footing The Bill

'Due to current market conditions, I'm recommending that my clients invest heavily into pain medication companies.'

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

Ireland and its Celtic Tiger request some donations

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

Budget Cuts

"I'm afraid with your income I couldn't possibly approve a loan of that size. Would you like a list of our approved loan sharks?"

"We must do something about the bloated, fat cat image bankers have a acquired...I think I'll settle for a bigger chair!"

"How much do I need? How much you got?"

The classic 'large scale corporate raider' eventually, they end up catching themselves!!

"I see you have the latest in accounting software."

'The market dropped on the news some IRS refund checks said 'do not cash until next Friday'.'

'You won't feel a thing. We make a small incision in your wallet and...'