Financial Analyst Humor Gifts

'Crisis'

'I now handle the ultimate collection account: Robinson Crusoe.'

British savings accounts

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

America's Funniest Interest Rate Hikes

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"You have to declare what you rob from the rich, but you can deduct what you give to the poor."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'What do you mean, the chart resembles an iceberg?'

Out of control

"At least we're consistent ... "

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

The Decline of the Euro.

Bank notes coming out of a safe.

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'Due to current market conditions, I'm recommending that my clients invest heavily into pain medication companies.'

Ireland and its Celtic Tiger request some donations

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

"How much do I need? How much you got?"

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

"I see you have the latest in accounting software."

'The market dropped on the news some IRS refund checks said 'do not cash until next Friday'.'

"I'm afraid with your income I couldn't possibly approve a loan of that size. Would you like a list of our approved loan sharks?"

Budget Cuts

"We can't all work for Goldman Sachs."

'You won't feel a thing. We make a small incision in your wallet and...'

A man notices the Chase logo has turned into snakes eating themselves."

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

Business men's lunches: Tycoons ?25, On the way downers ?2.50.