Financial Analyst With A Sense Of Humor Gifts

'Short straw tells the employees what we did to their pension funds...'

'And the largest slice is mine.'

'See? The diet works! Your wallet has already lost most of it's weight!'

'In the eventuality of a double dip...'

"I only swallowed a 10p piece. Why are you making me cough up £50?"

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'Simply put, we are on our ninth life!'

"Cheer up, if this carries on we could become a very attractive takeover target.

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'What do you mean, the chart resembles an iceberg?'

"Now, who can I trust with a pie chart?"

"We can't all work for Goldman Sachs."

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

"Gold ended the day on a new high, while frankincense and myrrh both opened well but faded as the markets closed."

'You're addicted to big bonuses. But the good news is there's a patch to treat that.'

'I'm balancing the books...you are out'

Please do not give insider tips to the bears.

'Then the king rewrote the tax code so everyone could understand it, and all the CPAs went out of business.'

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

"You never express your emotions. You're very blank."

"Speculators found it was a bear market so they decided to hibernate."

Royal Mail Privatisation

'If money doesn't grown on trees why do banks have so many branches?'

'Crisis'

"Ah, what you need is our instant access account"

"We can mortgage your future for a very attractive low interest rate."

'Exploiting the workers hasn't helped...so we'll have to start screwing them.'

"I've hidden my nuts in an offshore forest."

''Tax Loopholes for the Rich and Famous' was filmed before a live audience of IRS auditors.'

'What did you do - tell him the amount of his share of the national debt?'

"I'm afraid you're overdrawn."

'Buy old masters, they hold their value better than old mistresses.'

"I couldn't afford the gas for my car, so I robbed a bank but the police caught me because my car was out of gas."

"Oh, not much...just laundering the bank's money."

"Whew, I'm glad it's a jobless recovery."