Pearly Gates Passenger Gifts

"We can't Sunday. We've been invited to 'you know who's' skybox."

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

'There was an extra 50 miles on my bike this week. I couldn't keep you off the couch, now this?'

'Well, I don't know anything about 'identity theft'. All I can tell you, is that according to these records you're already here.'

"Frankly, your kindness and understanding are only making matters worse!"

"I forgot to call in dead."

'Which license do you wish to see?'

'Sudden death?'

'Eight hundred million channels and there's still nothing good on!'

Shower before entering heaven.

Steve Spermatozoa, dead at 35 from terminal horniness.

"Did you make an appointment?"

"Hmmmmm ... I don't see you on our 'friends' list ... "

"I loved my job. That's gotta count for something."

"Unfortunately, a few years back we had to start accepting advertising."

"So what's his story?"

Passenger on a train blaming a clerical man for smoking

"Certainly you're qualified, .… we're just trying to achieve a certain dynamic."

"I wish they had untamed-rage detectors."

'Congratulations - here's your black ball, you've been appointed to the membership committee,'

"I don't know how we're going to work this. According to your psychiatrist's evaluation you have multiple personalities, two of which are okay to enter. But the other three..."

'Even if you were always Mother's little angel, I still have to look it up.'

"Private property." "Warning. We don’t forgive those who trespass against us."

"Let me get this straight. This is the place of eternal happiness, but all the rock stars and hookers are down there?"

"This isn't exactly what I expected when I asked Sam's Travel, Inc. to send me to paradise."

Man sees CCTV camera at gates to heaven