Patron Of Irony Pillows

"On your previous visit you were describing how you were unable to express grief at the death of your first dog, Ranger. Please continue."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

A Truism's Journey

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

Dear Diary, 36 weeks on this island and I'm starting to feel that I'll never get rescued."

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

You're Out Of Order

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

"The house next door is slated for demolition, but your house is in the way."

Perfection Troubleshootors.

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

"From where I'm sitting, ha-ha, you're behind bars!"