Patron Of Irony T-Shirts

"On your previous visit you were describing how you were unable to express grief at the death of your first dog, Ranger. Please continue."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

A Truism's Journey

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

Dear Diary, 36 weeks on this island and I'm starting to feel that I'll never get rescued."

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

You're Out Of Order

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

Perfection Troubleshootors.

Clancy: Extending Overdrafts

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."