Master Of Irony Pillows

Too quiet.

'Now is a good time to take up smoking.'

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

Oedipus

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bonds which have connected her with another..."

Hotel mini-bar.

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

Perfection Troubleshootors.

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

"The house next door is slated for demolition, but your house is in the way."

"Oh sure, it's easy to blame your husband, when he's not here to defend himself."

'I only make predictions in retrospect.'