Philosopher Of Irony Pillows

"We've got a lot of deadwood in this firm, Crawford. Let's give it back to the community."

"I'm going to Princeton!"

The Devil Who Perceives Himself As An Angel

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

Oedipus

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

Leaking Hudson River paintings.

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

Please help. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Of course no one wants a forest fire anywhere, anytime. It can be devastating. That's why I feel so guilty."

'... But, wouldn't that be kind of like, cannibalism?'

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

"That's an early Vermeer, very early."

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

Hotel mini-bar.

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

"The house next door is slated for demolition, but your house is in the way."

Perfection Troubleshootors.