Humorist With A Taste For Irony Pillows

'Would you mind blowing into this bag Sir?'

Syringe being bent by a tattoo of a knight in armour.

"I think we have an ant problem"

"If anyone's interested in taking over Ed's Instagram account, see me after the service."

Slimmer's baguette.

'And I'm telling you, mister, that a cocktail served with no ice can't be a genuine 'Titanic' cocktail!'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Honest Vending

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Grant them amnesty and then hang them."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Right-thinking people against wrong-thinking people

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."