Patients Gifts

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

Virtual Doctor

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'You are a very good nurse. You're actually listening to what I'm saying.'

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

'It's not easy being fabulous and caretaking.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

Invoice: 'That's good laughter is the best medicine.'

Doctors Discussion

Medical Examinations.

'Bored?'

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

'Sorry I am late - have you been waiting long?'

Stethoscope line.

'We're trying to use a team approach to medicine, but we're having trouble fitting everyone!'

'Instead of 'You're entering a world of pain', try 'This won't hurt a bit.''

Please Wait and wait and wait.

"As explained, Parkinson's Disease is a depletion of dopamine in the brain. But before you fill up that space with a lot of negative thoughts, let's discuss your treatment options."

"How the hell should I know what I'm looking at? You're lousy insurance doesn't provide HD X-rays."

'Could you wear a Dr. Phil mask?'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

NHS targets

Newspaper reads: 'Doctors not giving adequate info to patients'. Doctor asking patient, "Say eh??"

"To be honest, most of our work involves reassuring patients until nature cures them..."

"It's our latest targets...We have to do twice as much with half the stuff in a quarter of the time!"

Paramedics.

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'