Patchy Humor Fan Gifts

'Didn't your doctor tell you that you're not supposed to light the nicotine patches?'

Skipping Horse

"Actually, make that a double cream."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Faster, Georges, faster!

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

A vampire sitting on a park bench at night feeding bats.

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

Race track - with the race being to apply the white lines between lanes

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

Pastry Hat

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Trump Poutine

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Introducing...Anagraman.

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

'Check out the old dude.'

Dog in casino.

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

Scene from 'Night of the Koala'

"Got any bathtub gin?"