Parole Release Gifts

'This is a list of all the things you need to do around the house when you get your parole.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Well, sure. We could hire some Temps, but they only live about ten days."

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

"This one's called 'Incarceration.'"

"I got probation."

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

Exhibition for Prisoners

Exposed and imprisoned.

'The food's not too bad here. It tastes just like yours and just like yours, it also comes out of a can.'

"Hello. . . I'm new in town. Do you know where the local police station is? - I need to sign in. . !"

'Ms. Andrews, have there been any important office memos, voice-mails, texts, tweets or IMs during my incarceration?'

"Both the movie and I will be released this summer."

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'Try to think of it as early parole.'

Freedom!

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

'Man, you are the first parole office to truly understand me.'

"Take this harmonica, son - it won't do me any good where you're going."

"Pop-up prison."

Parole officer: Hanging in and hanging out.

"The reason I never get any visitors is because all my family and friends are in here!"

Convict Decor

'I'm getting into a rut -- campaign, election, indictment, parole... campaign, election, indictment, parole....'

"I think I should be granted early release because the system is so underfunded."

"We're so close that we're finishing each other's sentences."

'I was a computer executive -- but I performed an illegal operation and was shut down.'

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

'Do you mind if I call my parole officer?'

Two prisoners pull a Christmas cracker, the free gift is a hacksaw.