Navigating Parole Gifts

"You keep saying that you're a changed man, but if you do get that parole how can I know for sure you won't go back to robbing banks?"

"I got probation."

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

"Hello. . . I'm new in town. Do you know where the local police station is? - I need to sign in. . !"

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

Coming Soon: The G.P.S. for Conversations

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

'Try to think of it as early parole.'

"Your baby's fussiness, whining, and general discontent isn't anything to worry about. It should clear up on its own in about 18 years."

'What do you mean you're going into labor, dear? It's only Saturday. Can't you wait 'til Monday?'

"Be patient with Ed. You can skip his political harangue in 15 seconds and move right onto sports."

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

'Man, you are the first parole office to truly understand me.'

"I think I should be granted early release because the system is so underfunded."

'Stork? No way! You were pulled out of a magician's hat!'

"You should have told me you needed advice."

'I'm getting into a rut -- campaign, election, indictment, parole... campaign, election, indictment, parole....'

"Pop-up prison."

Parole officer: Hanging in and hanging out.

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

"People don't understand that alcoholism is a hazard of my profession!"

'I'm not here for committing a crime - I'm here for failing to comply with a guideline.'

"Brad, we've got to talk."

'Do you mind if I call my parole officer?'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

At least you have security!

Musical request "Can you play 'Get me to my parole officer on time'?"

"The board gave me a cancellation then a postponement and now a continuance."

'Hi honey, I'm home.'

'Since prisons are full, I'm sentencing you to 5 years of Jury Duty.'

'I'm seeking early parole so I can go on a book-signing tour.'